| 025. |
[06 Dec 2009|08:07pm] |
|
I feel like I'm getting dumber just sharing airspace with some of you. And reading your words. It's starting to get to me again. I was doing so well for a while. The fact that you can harp on about spilled coffee for days on end just spells out how absurd some of you are.
|
|
| 024. |
[05 Nov 2009|10:09am] |
|
I think the phrase "didn't deserve to die" seems sort of...off. Does anyone really deserve death?
|
|
| 023. |
[05 Nov 2009|10:02am] |
Warded Private
Why is Charis dead? Why? This isn't fair. She hadn't done anything wrong. It shouldn't have been her. We can't keep losing people. They can't keep dying because eventually they'll be nothing more than a footnote in our lives. We'll forget them all and keep living like they were never here.
I don't want to forget. I don't want to abandon these people. But can I really survive clinging to the past?
|
|
| 022. |
[03 Nov 2009|05:39pm] |
|
Charis has the right idea. Being alive is stupid.
|
|
| 021. |
[03 Nov 2009|05:16pm] |
Warded to Gus
I miss you. I don't really feel like talking about things, but can I come stay with you for a few days?
|
|
| 020. |
[26 Oct 2009|05:40pm] |
Warded Private
I am not my circumstances.
I am not.
How many times do I have to tell myself that? It seems like I'll never fully believe it. It's completely and utterly irrational to think myself trapped by things beyond my control. I can achieve at least the basic happiness, can't I? I haven't done anything to not deserve at least a sense of contentment...existing in a permanent state of unrest seems so unfair.
I don't have anything to write.
|
|
| 019. |
[10 Oct 2009|03:37pm] |
|
How does one start over without abandoning one's past entirely?
|
|
| 018. |
[10 Oct 2009|03:33pm] |
Warded Private
More death. One should not be used to hearing about the suffering of others, it's unsettling. I would like to start over and forget the past. But I don't suppose I can do that. It's unfair to forget what brought me to the place I'm at, I guess.
Am I even redeemable?
It's hard to say, it's hard to tell. The world still seems so dark. And it scares me a little that I'm so numb to it all. I don't want to be numb, I want to be normal.
|
|
| 017. |
[23 Sep 2009|06:33am] |
|
Boot is right. I did use at least one Unforgivable outside of the classroom for no reason other than the fact that I was angry. I don't care if the Ministry puts me on trial for it. It's only fair.
|
|
| 016. |
[20 Sep 2009|07:50pm] |
Warded to Draco
Narcissa's birthday is this week, right? I feel like I should get her something and I only just remembered.
|
|
| 015. |
[06 Sep 2009|10:09am] |
|
I'm not even close to drunk enough for this, dear Merlin.
|
|
| 014. |
[30 Aug 2009|04:16pm] |
|
What makes you happy?
|
|
| 013. |
[30 Aug 2009|04:11pm] |
Warded Private to SelfAll I want to do is sleep. Is that too much to ask? I don't want to go through the paces of existing half the time. What in the fuck is wrong with me?
Maybe it's just fabricated. Maybe I'm miserable because I want to be miserable. Maybe that's all I know how to be. How does one force happiness?
I just...I don't know if I even want happiness. I want to be normal...but is to be normal to be happy? Or is it to feel in general? Perhaps I should just run away. Leave. Maybe it'd do me some good. Even just for a week or a month.
Am I broken? Defective?
Was Graley right about me?
|
|
| 012. |
[11 Aug 2009|08:15pm] |
On a good day, I want to throw this journal out the window. On a bad day, I want to light it on fire and throw it at one of the house elves. Why? I'm not entirely sure. And I'm rather sure you're all thinking "Oh Grayson, please drop your journal out the window", but really I wouldn't want to give you that satisfaction at all. I find all your personal dramas so interesting(!)
The weather is nice and I can never remember the peacocks' names, but they don't like me and one attempted to bite me the other day. It was actually kind of comical.
|
|
| 011. |
[23 Jul 2009|08:14pm] |
I don't really take a lot of stock in emotions or sentiment. I guess we express our emotions how we're taught to express our emotions and I wasn't exactly taught well. I've never understood sympathy or empathy or love or anything like that. Yet I still get this twisted horrid feeling every time I think about things.
I hope the Wizengamot makes the right choice.
|
|
| 010. |
[23 Jul 2009|08:09pm] |
Warded to Malfoys
Good luck with the trials.
|
|
| 009. |
[17 Jul 2009|06:49pm] |
I find that my job, as repetitive and inane as it is, sheds a lot of light on the way a government has to function. I sit here all day and essentially rewrite history so it reflects the attitude of the current regime. Obviously, when power inevitably switches again to whoever else, they will want to reexamine this and make sure that it is recorded in a way that suits their agenda. Governments have the power to twist the events in their countries to suit their purposes and make them look as good as possible. How do people not have a problem with this?
And according to this, my father disemboweled Dennis Creevey. Charming he was.
|
|
| 008. |
[08 Jul 2009|05:56pm] |
|
Life is so pathetic.
|
|
| 007 |
[17 Jun 2009|01:33pm] |
Warded Private
What in the fuck was I thinking?
I feel like I'm already losing everything. What does it matter? My friends are drifting apart. My only family is Draco. I have no actual home, I'm just
as worthless as I've always been.
But this isn't going to fix anything is it?
|
|
![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}